The Real Reason Couples Fight: Uncovering the Root of Relationship Conflict
The root of conflict in marriage often lies in our attachment wounds and the unconscious patterns we bring into the relationship. When both partners are willing to explore these underlying dynamics, they can work together to break the cycle of conflict and build a stronger, more connected relationship. Whether you have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, understanding the role of attachment can be the key to unlocking deeper emotional intimacy and resolving the root causes of marital conflicts.
The Hidden Dangers of 'The Cycle': How Tiny Disagreements Can Spiral Into Massive Fights in Relationships
Every married couple has had their share of tiny disagreements—whether it’s about where to eat, how to load the dishwasher, or whose turn it is to take out the trash. These minor conflicts might seem insignificant on the surface, but for many couples, they can unexpectedly escalate into full-blown arguments that leave both partners feeling hurt, disconnected, and misunderstood.
Betrayal in Marriage
Betrayal in a marriage is an event that cannot just be swept under the rug. The threat to security in the relationship is too intrusive. Marriage is the most vulnerable earthly relationship, and for it to be satisfying it must be secure. As in both people feel that they can trust their spouse, their spouse cares for them and has the best intentions for the other, and each spouse is committed to prioritizing the relationship. Perfection in these things is never possible, but it is the commitment to protecting the relationship and the commitment to repair that protects the security in spite of this.
Is a Marriage Separation the Beginning of the End of a Marriage?
Let’s talk for real about marriage separations. Some people believe that if a couple separates divorce is soon to follow. The Marriage Workshop would like to give a new perspective on separations and point out some ways they are beneficial for high-conflict and distressed marriages. The Marriage Workshop hopes after reading this a marriage separation can be seen as a new beginning rather than the “beginning of the end,” for a marriage.
How do Triggers Show up and Impact Conflict in a Marriage?
Do you ever have conflict in your marriage that comes out of nowhere and when you think about it you can’t even figure out how it really started? Or wonder how the interaction went “south” so fast?
I might have some helpful relational insights that will help you figure out what happened! In most interactions that this happen a couple is usually experiencing some kind of. “trigger.” Let’s talk more about what that means and how it impacts your marriage.
When You Grow, Your Marriage Grows.
Part of healing a marriage in distress is self-work. By shifting your focus inward rather than at your spouse a couple will instantly notice some descalation. A focus on your spouse is actually a focus on your pain, only this tactic of dealing with the pain typically causes more pain. Here’s why, you don’t know why it hurts, you just know it hurts. Your brain is telling you that if you want to survive the person doing the hurting needs to be stopped. To make it even worse the person doing the hurting is your spouse and is coded in your brain as someone who is supposed to be safe. It’s a recipe for panic.
Help Your Marriage with Self-work
Marriage work is self-work, it has to be, there is no way out of it. All relationships require self-work but none so much as marriage. You should be paying attention to what is happening between you and your spouse, but you should also be looking within. Looking within, just like looking “between,” begins with noticing. The best time to do this noticing may be during or after a conflict, usually during a conflict a softer more vulnerable part of self has been poked at and out of protection of this part of you, a “bear” can arise. Noticing involves slowing down the chain of events within us, similar to the way you slow things down in the cycle between you. What are you looking for when you slow things down?? Three very important things, let’s look at them.
What you Need to Understand about the Distress in Your Marriage
When I work with clients we work through relational tasks that will change the way you talk about your relationship and the way you talk to each other about your relationship. In each task, you will identify some things about yourself or the marriage and learn to share them with your spouse. Then you will work on responding and caring for each other in a way that promotes security and bonding. The first relational task to begin the process is called, relationship research.
Marriage Help for Relational Insecurity
Security in a relationship is the foundation of a healthy relationship. In fact, it is usually a breach in security (actual or perceived), that leads to disconnection. Sometimes we may not even fully recognize that it is the security in our relationship that has weakened causing a lack of communication, not feeling seen or heard, or no longer feeling connected in the relationship. So you might be asking… how do you know if there is insecurity in your relationship? And what can you do to build security in your relationship? Read on to answer these questions and start improving your relationship today.
Questions to Help Couples Move out of Conflict
Couples have conflict, it’s part of the package! But just because you have conflict doesn’t mean that you have to experience hurtful interaction or hours to days of disconnection. I am here to teach you how to move out of conflict and into connection. One of the biggest steps in the process is understanding the conflict and that there is more to it than meets the eye at first glance.
What Does it Mean to Co-regulate?
Simply defined, co-regulation is turning to another person for support. Typically this person is someone we can count on or that you can trust to care for you. The gift of co-regulation begins at birth and goes with us to the grave. From the moment a baby is born it immediately relies on the mother to feel calm and cared for. The warmth of her skin, the sound of her voice, even her smell will calm a stimulated newborn. Babies rely on this innately no one has to tell a baby to turn to the mother to feel calmer if the mother is accessible the baby will rely on her.
Why Couples Fight and How to Make it STOP!
Most couples can probably name a time or two, or twenty, that they had a fight that by the end didn’t make sense. What I mean is what started out as the dishwasher needing unloaded, what to watch on TV, or unattended socks on the floor somehow turned into a screaming match. What get couples into heated conflict but most of the time begins with what should be a simple interaction?? Enter, “the cycle.” The “cycle” is the predictable interactions between a couple that are rooted in attachment fears and pushed by relational methods of adaptation that are more suited for survival rather than connection.
Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
8 questions you need the answer to before getting married if you want a healthy, secure, long-lasting marriage. Don’t skip any of them all of these questions are important for any couple getting ready to walk down the aisle.
Lack of Physical Intimacy in Marriage
When sex and physical intimacy are lacking in a marriage this is something to pay attention to, but it certainly doesn’t mean the marriage is over. If there is disconnection in the marriage emotionally it usually trickles down into the physical relationship as well. However, that may not be the only reason that physical intimacy is lacking in a marriage. When working with couples in counseling there are many aspects to a couples sexual and physical relationship that need to be assessed. Each couple has a different story and a unique map to their relationship but here are some things to know if your sexual relationship with your spouse is not what you would like it to be.
Regenerating a Relationship
People often wonder if there is a "point of no return" for relationships. The honest answer is likely yes. We all have different capacities and histories that impact our ability to make a comeback from relational hurts. That being said, relationships that feel dead can have life again. As human beings we are wired to respond to emotional provocation and we are wired to keep others close. It is important to remember that relationships that feel lifeless got that way over time and it will take time to rebuild. Allowing each other the time and space to heal is critical to putting pieces back together, but it most certainly can be done. So what does healing look like?