Is a Marriage Separation the Beginning of the End of a Marriage?

Aug 15

Let’s talk for real about marriage separations. Some people believe that if a couple separates divorce is soon to follow. The Marriage Workshop would like to give a new perspective on separations and point out some ways they are beneficial for high-conflict and distressed marriages. The Marriage Workshop hopes after reading this a marriage separation can be seen as a new beginning rather than the “beginning of the end,” for a marriage.

In this post you will find:

A definition of marriage separation.
How it can be helpful to a marriage in distress.
Guidelines and best practices for a successful marriage separation.

What is a Marriage Separation?

Let’s define a marriage separation for our purposes of healing a distressed marriage. There is a legal separation that involves attorneys and the legal system. While that may be useful in some cases it is not what I am referring too. At The Marriage Workshop when I am referring to a separation I am referring to an agreement between two married people to live separated for a time while they work on healing their marriage.

Separations are best when the couple has separate residences not separate bedrooms in the same house. That may mean one person continuing to live in the primary residence and the other person renting or buying another residence. Some couples may have a family friend with a guest house or spare room that can be offered to the couple. During the separation financial and logistical issues should be worked out and agreed upon beforehand. This is done best with a therapist, coach or trusted mentor.

How a Marriage Separation can be Helpful:

Marriages with high distress and conflict will cause a lot of wounding for a couple. The wounds will cause more relational insecurity, Increasing distress and conflict that will cause more wounding. It’s a feedback loop that needs an interruption if healing is going to happen. The nervous system is designed to protect against emotional harm, when a person or situation has been repeatedly hurtful the nervous system revs up with protection against vulnerability and your spouse becomes the enemy. At The Marriage Workshop healing a marriage in these situations has to begin with calming the nervous system and removing perceived threats. In reality, your spouse is not your enemy, the interactions between you are the enemy. A separation will help change those interactions and begin the process of changing the way you interact.

The Marriage Workshop talks about triggers, you can read more about them here, in high conflict marriages managing triggers can be challenging. A separation gives you the opportunity to slow your nervous system down and start reflecting on the ways your brain and nervous system are protecting you but causing disconnection in your marriage. When you are together you can be more aware of what is happening and your responses creating more positive interactions that bring healing.

In instances of addiction or abuse a separation should be enacted immediately. If you are wondering if your marriage is emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive, you should speak with a professional right away. Infidelity could also be a situation where the possibility of a separation should be considered quickly,

Guidelines and Best Practices for a Separation According to The Marriage Workshop:

Have separate residences. Staying in separate bedrooms is not a separation and usually causes more unhealth.
Engage in marriage counseling or coaching while separated. A separation will not be useful if you are not actively engaging working on your marriage.
Set up and agree on boundaries for the separation. In counseling discuss what each person’s needs are and how to care for each other during the separation.
Do your own individual work! Use the time a part to take notice of areas within yourself that need care and attention.
Plan for success, mindset is everything. If you go into a separation planning for your marriage to fail it probably will. The commitment to your marriage should not change in a separation. The separation is just a tool of healing and minimizing the effects of the distress.
A separation is not a “free for all” on behavior. Healthy relational practices are still key. A separation is not an excuse to act out or do whatever you want. A separation should mean you are serious about your marriage and repair.

I wish all distressed marriages ended in restoration. Unfortunately, that is not reality, not all marriages can be healed or restored. However, I am a firm believer that any marriage can be restored if both people are committed to restoration and are willing to look at themselves and evaluate their own relational patterns that are leading to the distress and have grace for their spouse at the same time.

If you have distress or high conflict in your marriage let me help!