Processing and Sharing Emotion
Emotion gets a bad rap, it’s tough, we see and experience so many people with unregulated emotions that we start to think of emotion as, “bad.” In reality, emotion is just misunderstood, emotion is actually very important for you to be able to understand yourself, your needs, and the maintaining of emotional and mental health. I like to compare emotion to the pain sensors in your hand. If you didn’t have pain sensors in your hand and you lay your hand on a hot burner, your hand would burn up! You need those pain sensors! Emotion is the same way, it provides valuable information about what we need to take care of ourselves.
Even more importantly emotion is the root of connection with those we care for. A bond is created between people when they have engaged on an emotional level.
It is important to note that valuing emotion does not mean it is okay to react to emotion in any way you feel like. Part of a healthy emotional experience is the regulation of the action that it leads to. Healthy emotion does its job when it moves you to respond in a way that gets your needs met and respects the needs of others. It’s not always someone else’s job to meet your needs sometimes the action is indicating something you need to do for yourself. Anger, for example, lets us know that we need to set a boundary. If we go on not setting the boundary we are likely to become dysregulated and react in a way that is not healthy. However, the fault is with ourselves for not taking the healthy action of setting the boundary. Sadness, on the other hand, does typically require the care of another. When we are sad we desire closeness from others and our sadness causes others to express care towards us. However, the expression of sadness should be open and vulnerable. For some people sadness is difficult and they can say they are sad but show anger that pushes others away. This breaks down healthy communication and does not allow for us to be able to get care for the sadness. This is why the organization or processing of emotion is so important. We need to understand our emotions and the functions so we can have the proper response and respond in a healthy way.
So now that we know why emotion is important let’s talk about what to do with it. You may be wondering why this is being talked about on a marriage blog! Remember, emotion is the language of connection! If you are going to connect and be close in your marriage you will have to do so on an emotional level. Some of you reading this may be intimidated by that. Take heart! I am here to help! Some of you may be noticing longing, recognizing that you have wanted this with your spouse but didn’t know how to get there. I can help with that too!
One of the things I encourage my clients to do is check-ins. A check-in is when you take the time to evaluate where you are emotionally and share it with your spouse. I encourage clients to do these 2-3 times per week. The process goes like this:
Get a journal and have it close by (this isn’t required but it can be handy), Find a quiet place to sit back and relax.
Use this guide linked here, and walk through these steps.
Use your journal to write quick notes or for my writers out there, write a lot of notes.
Have a planned time with your spouse to talk about what you noticed in your check-in. Talk about your action plan and if it involves needing care from another ask your spouse for your needs!
Emotional connection can feel daunting but it doesn’t have to be. If an attempt to connect emotionally with your spouse frequently ends in contact it might be a good time to schedule a strategy session so we can find out what is going on in your relationship that might be creating disconnection.
God wired you for connection and he created your emotions. We just have to use them and care for them in the way he designed. In order for them to work the way they should. Pray over your emotions pray for understanding and how to heal them if it is needed. If we have been through hard things our emotions can dysregulate more often. This can be changed and healed. Healthy emotions and the connection that comes with them is important and needed.
