Betrayal in Marriage
Betrayal in a marriage is an event that cannot just be swept under the rug. The threat to security in the relationship is too intrusive. Marriage is the most vulnerable earthly relationship, and for it to be satisfying it must be secure. As in both people feel that they can trust their spouse, their spouse cares for them and has the best intentions for the other, and each spouse is committed to prioritizing the relationship. Perfection in these things is never possible, but it is the commitment to protecting the relationship and the commitment to repair that protects the security in spite of this.
Betrayal causes a spouse to question whether the relationship is safe. The fallout caused by betrayal is so painful that the risk of continuing in the relationship where betrayal is possible becomes heavily questioned. A betrayal must be dealt with if the relationship is to survive and here is how:
Disclosure: It is important that all the major events of the betrayal come out into the open. This is for both the healing of the betrayed and the betrayer. You can’t forgive what you don’t know and you can’t truly appreciate the forgiveness unless the whole truth is known. Notice I said events and not details need to be disclosed. There are details that may cause more hurt than healing.
Communication: It is likely that talking about the betrayal will not initially be easy or productive. And it is common that the initial conversations may lead to further wounding. It is important to step back and understand the heightened state of both spouses around the betrayal. Likely all vulnerability will be under protection. The brain is wired to keep others close. In a betrayal, there is conflict identifying the close other as dangerous but at the same time still being in need of that person. Sorting out this pattern is crucial to working through it.
A Cohesive Story: Once we are able to communicate and step out of patterns that lead to further disconnection. It is important for both spouses to work together to create a cohesive story of the marriage before the betrayal, during the betrayal, after the betrayal. This is not about placing blame but can be about taking ownership of behaviors in the marriage that preceded the betrayal.
Injury Repair: In short this is the work of personal ownership and forgiveness. It requires humility from everyone involved, loads of empathy, and healthy remorse. Both parties have to be willing to step into the shoes of the other and feel what is being felt by the other and then respond to each other's needs from this place. It is not easy but it is cleansing and connecting.
A New Pattern: By this point, you have learned a lot about your spouse, your marriage, and likely yourself. The goal here is to create a new pattern in the relationship that prioritizes each other and the relationship. The tasks here are for each spouse to learn to dig deeper and inside themselves, share with their spouse their vulnerable parts, and be able to respond to each other's emotional needs.
Only five steps but they are not for the faint of heart, and they shouldn’t be. Relationship is so important to the heart of God so it is important for us and it takes work and commitment. You will need a guide for this process and I have all the tools you will need to turn the betrayal in your marriage into a redemptive story.
