How do Triggers Show up and Impact Conflict in a Marriage?

Aug 12

Do you ever have conflict in your marriage that comes out of nowhere and when you think about it you can’t even figure out how it really started? Or wonder how the interaction went “south” so fast?

I might have some helpful relational insights that will help you figure out what happened! In most interactions that this happen a couple is usually experiencing some kind of. “trigger.” Let’s talk more about what that means and how it impacts your marriage.

In this blog post, I will help you…

Understand what a trigger is.
Help you identify when you have been triggered.
Equip you and your spouse on how to navigate a conflict that was fueled by a trigger.

What is a trigger in marriage?

Triggers can happen in any relationship. Likely, the closer the relationship the more intense the trigger. A trigger is any interaction that causes you to become emotionally responsive in a way that does not match the situation or interaction.

The emotional response you have is triggered by or linked to past experiences that were upsetting, painful, or scary. That is why we call it a trigger because it “triggered” the past painful experience.

In marriage, triggers can lead to conflicts that are more intense and harder to recover from. There are usually missing pieces in what is happening in the interaction and the relationship becomes unpredictable and feels unsafe. A lot of times the present relationship will experience wounds due to the conflict making it even harder to heal the marriage.

A strong and stable marriage requires two people who can be aware of their triggers and know how to repair when an interaction that goes bad is because of a trigger.

How do I know if I have been triggered?

The biggest indicator that you have been triggered is an emotional response that doesn’t match the situation. As in your emotional response is escalated as if the house is on fire, over dirty clothes on the floor. If you had relationships that were repeatedly painful growing up or presently, you likely have triggers. The feelings behind the trigger are usually connected to a pain point that creates a belief about self that is painful. For example: “I am unwanted”, “I am unlovable”, “I am a failure”, etc. Knowing what beliefs about self have been developed helps you understand your triggers.

In a marriage, if the relationship has a period of disconnection there will be triggers especially if you are trying to work or repair the marriage. This is the result of the required vulnerability to repair, with someone that has been presumably hurtful. The body remembers what it felt like in those painful experiences and will alert the brain of danger even though the danger may be gone.

Awareness of your body and when it is really helpful. If you are tense there is a reason and it is up to you to find out what that tension is there for.

How do my spouse and I get out of a conflict that is the result of a trigger?

Let’s just undo all the shame right now and state the truth that if you are alive you will at some point, be triggered. The good news is the repair from a conflict that comes from a trigger is SOOOOOO healing. The key is to help each other. The biggest thing you can do for your marriage is believe the best about each other. It will require you to consider your spouse over your own rights and comfort. Bearing in mind that a stressed, tense, crabby, spouse, is likely overwhelmed, hurt, or scared and needs your help.. The key is to not make their reaction about you. Which is really hard to do when you feel attacked! If your spouse is triggered their brain is in survival mode and they need you to be the calm focused one, and most of all non-condeming.

Here are some disarming statements to help a spouse out of a trigger:

“I see you are upset and I want to understand, can we slow down so I can really hear what you need.”

“This is hard right now, can we take a breath and sit for a minute, then I really want to know what is happening for you and how I can help.”

“You sound overwhelmed, I want you to know that I love you and care about you and whatever is happening will be okay and I am here to support you.”

“I feel like you are attacking me and I want to get defensive, but I am wondering if there is something going on inside you that you need my support for and that is more important to me.”

These statements will keep you both from entering into a really painful interaction, that we call a cycle, and becoming disconnected.

BUUUTTT it can’t all be on the untriggered spouse to get out of this! The triggered person has to take responsibility too! We have to grow in knowing our reactions and when things are not okay and calm ourselves down. If you are yelling, have a tone, talking fast or are silent, tense or heated in your body, or reacting in any way that lets someone you love and care about know they are “In trouble,” you need to stop and think about what is behind that.

Here is a story about a couple that puts all these pieces into play:

Pete and June have been working on their marriage. They have made great strides in changing the way they communicate and being aware of and responding to each others needs. Previously in the marriage, Pete was very critical of June frequently pointing out when she was late or didn’t have things organized with the kids. In the last few months that had all changed, but at times June would still become triggered by situations that reminded her of the old way Pete had responded to her.

One moring June was rushing around getting their three kids ready to go for the day. At some point in the day Pete was planning to take the kids to do something fun and give June a break. June was feeling overwhelmed by the moring and felt unprepared for the day. She called Pete and as soon as he answered the phone she began demanding information from him. Pete was caught off guard and became defensive with her. He felt like he had done something wrong but didn’t know what he had done. June hearing his defensiveness hangs up the phone afraid of what will come out of Pete’s mouth next.

A few minutes later Pete sends June a text, “June I can tell you are upset. It scared me for a minute and I got defensive because I was afraid I had done something wrong and failed in some way. As I sit here and think about it I am wondering if you are just overwhelmed and need my help. If you want to talk please call me back. I love you and am here for you.”

When June arrived at their first stop of the day and got the kids situated she read Pete’s text and felt calmer inside. She took a few moments to think over the morning and how she was feeling. She identified that she felt behind and unprepared. Then she noticed that when she felt that way her body felt tense like it was bracing for impact, she recognized she was scared of disappointing and upsetting Pete. The old Pete would have criticized her in a way that caused her to feel bad about herself for being late and unprepared.

She immediately called Pete and thanked him for his text. She explained that she had been triggered by how she felt in past experiences before they had started working on their marriage, and hadn’t caught that her mind and body were preparing her for Pete’s old responses to her. She apologized for the way she spoke to him when she called him earlier. Pete thanked her for opening up about the way she was feeling and for the apology and they went about their day.

Do you have triggers in your marriage you and your spouse can’t get on top of! Let me help!