Questions to Help Couples Move out of Conflict

Couples have conflict, it’s part of the package! But just because you have conflict does mean that you have to experience hurtful interaction or hours to days of disconnection. I am here to teach you how to move out of conflict and into connection. One of the biggest steps in the process is understanding the conflict and that there is more to it than meets the eye at first glance.

What does that mean??

 It’s more than the content on the surface. The content changes, what is within and between you both is consistent. Meaning, if we just focused on the surface issue or content of your argument. We wouldn’t be solving anything, there will always be another issue. Couples who just focus on the surface issues try to work through their conflict with problem-solving and bargaining that never gets them where they really want to be. Which is closer, more connected, and seen in the relationship. So rather than getting caught up in who did what, focus on what is happening within and between you both. Or the cycle, as I like to call it. I promise this is where real relationship change happens.

Practically what does that look like??

To apply this these are the questions you should be asking yourself.

1. What was it that my partner did that set off alarm bells? Was it a look on their face? The way they were sitting, walking, the tone in their voice? 

2. When they said that thing what happened in my body? This question is tricky because whatever happened in your body happened fast. So it may take some time before you are able to pin down the answer. 

3. What did I decide about myself or my partner in the interaction? Likely you decided something about both you and your partner in the interaction but if you can identify one that I great.

Answers to this question might look like: 

“I am alone”

“I never get it right”

“I am not enough for him/her”

“I am too much”

“They are not going to stick around”

“I am going to get (emotionally) hurt”

This question is important because it is the PERCEIVED meaning you made out of your partner’s words or actions. Meaning your partner likely did not say these things, but you decided this is what they meant. 

4. How did I protect myself from getting hurt?

Those statements above hurt for sure! If you or your partner made meaning that was one of those statements you certainly would have covered your vulnerability with all kinds of protection! Whether your way of protecting yourself was to yell and accuse back or walk away, you would have to of protected your vulnerability in some way. So that is the last thing you have to identify. I can assure you however you protected yourself sent your partner into their own protection mode and out of no where the person you care for the most has become the enemy!

Tip for success: When having this conversation be in charge of your own within and between and let your partner be in charge of theirs! BUT talk about it together (After you have cooled off).