What Does it Mean to Co-regulate?

Simply defined, co-regulation is turning to another person for support. Typically this person is someone we can count on or that you can trust to care for you. The gift of co-regulation begins at birth and goes with us to the grave. From the moment a baby is born it immediately relies on the mother to feel calm and cared for. The warmth of her skin, the sound of her voice, even her smell will calm a stimulated newborn. Babies rely on this innately no one has to tell a baby to turn to the mother to feel calmer if the mother is accessible the baby will rely on her. 

As we get older this need for co-regulation, never goes away. It looks different as we develop and mature, but it NEVER goes away. Healthy children, teens, and adults all need another to calm their nervous system and organize the brain. What is overwhelming becomes manageable only in the presence of another. 

Lack of co-regulation in childhood has a lifetime of consequences if left unattended to. When clients come to see me one of the first things I want to know about is how they regulated as a kid. Who was there for them, who helped them organize what they were feeling, offered comfort and care when they were sad or afraid. This information lends information to their struggle now, why they can’t connect with the people they care about or understand and process their emotions in a way that is helpful.

In the absence of a trusted “other.” A person will find a way to survive the lack of co-regulation. In this effort, the brain will find ways to adapt, unfortunately these ways are less healthy. We learn to shut down and avoid emotion in effort to keep from feeling overwhelmed. Or others might become overly anxious by overwhelming emotions or disconnection in relationships, becoming chaotic in an effort to keep others close. Then we find ways to cope with the shut-down or anxiety, drugs, and alcohol, pornography, humor, anger, spending money, overworking, and the list goes on. Managing self in this way is exhausting. The nervous system becomes taxed, the mental toll then also takes a physical toll leading to physical illness. Which then exacerbates lack of mental and emotional health. 

The road back begins with noticing the ways you are adapting in the world without co-regulation. The things you do to attempt to self-soothe. These ways of adapting might in some senses be getting the job done but not without some mental, emotional, and relational loss. It may look like ignoring the reality of difficult emotions such as sadness, fear, and anger. It could be avoiding social situations and real closeness with other people. It could be feeling angry when you are really sad. It may be using distraction such as TV, work, alcohol, exercise. 

Then learning to organize and process the way you feel in a way that makes emotion useful to identifying your needs. This process may start on your own but at some point needs to involve another person. You may need some time alone to asses your internal state but the actual work of processing happens when you share what you are assessing with another person. 

If you notice that you do not know how or feel anxious about sharing your internal world with another person. Or if you recognize that you feel fear that you will not be cared about or that your needs are to much you are a great fit for counseling. This is a need for humans almost as much as air, water, and food, and certainly it makes life more fulfilling and more manageable.