Why Couples Fight and How to Make it STOP!
Most couples can probably name a time or two, or twenty, that they had a fight that by the end didn’t make sense. What I mean is what started out as the dishwasher needing unloaded, what to watch on TV, or unattended socks on the floor somehow turned into a screaming match. What get couples into heated conflict but most of the time begins with what should be a simple interaction?? Enter, “the cycle.” The “cycle” is the predictable interactions between a couple that are rooted in attachment fears and pushed by relational methods of adaptation that are more suited for survival rather than connection.
Let’s break this down a little more. A typical cycle might look like one spouse who protests about the distress and one spouse who minimizes the distress. The first spouse may feel upset for one reason or another and also feel disconnected or insecure in the relationship. The spouse has 2 options: she can turn to her partner and share about her distress and how scary or lonely the disconnection is or she can protest-demand, criticize, yell and cry. In a secure relationship she would likely choose the first. In an insecure relationship she will likely choose the latter.
Why? Why do we Choose to adapt in a way that causes disconnection??
Because the first one is vulnerable. It requires opening oneself up to another in a way that could lead to being crushed. In an insecure relationship this is far too risky. But the attachment need to feel close to another while in distress is still there so she takes the less risky road and protests the disconnection.
Then What Happens?
For those in a relationship that adapt by having few needs and working hard to keep the peace particularly by avoiding conflict there is nothing more triggering than the protest of the other spouse. In fact in these situations it does the exact opposite of what the protesting spouse is hoping for, the spouse avoids the situation even more, hoping the conflict will go away. They survive in the relationship by getting quiet or going away.
Then it really gets bad…
As the one spouse moves away trying to minimize conflict the other spouse becomes more afraid and alone and becomes more upset and the disconnection between them becomes more and more. They each begin storing these unrepaired breaches and the conflict grows with each cycle until eventually the cavern of disconnection becomes so deep they keep distant from each other.
The truth is cycles are a normal part of any relationship. A couple who comes in and tells me they don’t have conflict may even be more alarming than the couple who comes in full of conflict. What makes or breaks a relationship is the ability to repair.
What is repair?
Repair is a process of healing after a fight, it involves looking at self and other figuring out what went wrong and making it right. Instead of getting into a huge fight and then staying away from each other until it blows over or deciding to, “move on.” It is actually repairing the rift in your relationship so that your relationship is stronger and you and your spouse feel closer, valued, and cared about in your relationship.
How do you repair?
The work of repair begins with self work. Self-work is everything in a relationship. If you want to grow deeper in your relationships, especially your marriage, be willing to look at yourself.
Couples get into a fight or a, “cycle” for two reasons:
There is some level of existing insecurity in the relationship. When spouses feel that there is any chance their spouse will not see them in their struggle, try to respond to what they are going through, or engage in a caring way; they are not able to be vulnerable. Some form of protection of their vulnerable self goes up and it usually has spikes (metaphorically…hopefully).
Raw spots on the spouse as an individual. We all have wounds of some kind from relational mishaps in our past. Moments or interactions, intentional or not, that led to wounds and the need for protection. Interactions such as feeling unwanted, uncared for, not enough, or a failure by a parent, rejection from friends in high school, failure in school or sports. Little or sometimes big moments that led to a decision about self that we must be unworthy, unwanted, a failure, etc. For a lot of us these feelings stay in the backseat of our brain and are fairly easy to manage, usually only triggered by those most important to us. For others who have experienced more intense trauma they may be more prevalent and need a sufficient amount of work to manage.
Now that we know that relational insecurity and raw spots are the propeller to a cycle, let’s talk about how to slow it down and turn the propeller off:
The first step is creating safety in the relationship. When spouses create the security that the other will be loved and accepted at their worst there is less fear to be vulnerable. It is a sense that they have the right to be important to each other. In a marriage it is important to know that you are not going to struggle alone, that they will each seek to understand the other and care about how they each see things.
Once safety is created each spouse will feel the freedom to understand themselves and be honest about who they are as a person. This includes becoming curious about our raw spots or wounds that need attention and care not only from ourselves but also from our spouse.
Repair in a relationship might look like…
This may look like being triggered and getting into conflict but then stepping back and being able to see what is happening in each of you and between you and then being able to care about that for each other. In this scenario what started as a fight ends up being a conversation that brings you closer together.
OR…
It can even be catching it in the moment before the conflict even happens and a spouse turning to the other and sharing about the vulnerable thing that is happening and getting care and then being able to continue the original conversation untriggered and both spouses feeling connected and on the same page.
OR…
It may not always be that beautiful there may still be a blow out here and there. You may have to go to your separate corners and breathe for a minute. But even then you will still know how to find your way back to each other. Once you have the recipe for repair you can always find your way back to each other.
