What do Healthy Friendships Look Like?

We need friends! Friendships are an important relationship that we all need, and hopefully all enjoy. We need friends for entertainment but we also need friends to meet emotional needs. When looking at reasons that marriage is hard, a lack of healthy friendships outside the marriage is often cited. Increased isolation, busy schedules, Lack of knowing how to connect on an emotional level is all impeding on healthy friendships. But it’s time to regain our friendships, and I want to help you do it. Right here, I have everything from what types of relationships to look for, what the relationships look like, and how to go deeper in your friendships.

Who do you need?

Let’s start with your closest other or a best friend. If you are married this should be your spouse. Sadly, sometimes this isn’t the case. If your spouse isn’t your best friend it would be good to do some therapy to find out why not. If you are single this could be a friend or family member. Your closest other you have the most access to, meaning it’s okay for you to be a priority in this relationship. There is space for your needs above other things in this person’s life, and this person will prioritize responding to those needs with attentiveness and engagement. 

We also need 2-3 close friends. These are people that you can sit down with and have an honest conversation about yourself and feel cared about and yet pushed to be healthier. They offer space for us to be honest about what we think and feel without judgment. You also would be this for those people, the relationships are mutual. It is normal for there to be some limitations to the accessibility to these people and this should be respected on both ends. The sharing of yourself is not necessarily an obligation and the limitations set on this should also be respected. 

It’s also good to have someone to look up to. These people are ahead of us either in life season or maturity in a certain area. These are the people we go to for wisdom, advice, and validation. When we get this from these people it is a resource to move forward. They offer the safety we need to grapple with things but are there to make sure we don’t fall too far. 

Be sure to also have someone in your life to encourage. These people are a season behind you in life and are people that you pour into more than they pour into you. You are their safe place and a source of encouragement and direction for them.

How do we connect in our friendships?

We connect over what is happening for us: Reliance on self and self-sufficiency have their place and they actually fall beautifully into place when we have healthy relationships. We work so hard as people to not be a burden, not have needs, avoid pain, and be productive. When we adopt these principles there is nothing left to connect on in our relationships. In fact, all we are left to connect on is gossip. In fact I’m certain the appeal of gossip is a way of avoiding our own stuff and serves as a counterfeit connection in our relationships. It’s emotional content that is not vulnerable for us, so we can feel connected to the person we are with. 

Emotion is the language of connection, The sharing of our experience processed into words brings us together. Vomiting content that lacks emotion or emotion that lacks content will leave you confused and unsettled. Sometimes, a friend is what we need to help us connect the two of these. When we sit with another and lay these pieces out it becomes like a container that keeps it all from becoming too overwhelming. When we are alone we have 2 options: become anxious and obsess over it or avoid it. Neither will feel good in the long run or bring resolution. 

It can be so often that we or our friends struggle with not trying to fix whatever we are going through. Fixing is problem solving mode; it takes us straight out of the beautiful work of processing our feelings and straight into content alone. We skip the beautiful step of being seen and heard and becoming resourced. When we process the way we feel with another person it resources us. We gain strength, courage and value that helps us take on whatever we are going through. Sometimes we may need some advice but we always need connection first. This can be hard as a friend because a lot of us feel less competent at navigating emotions our own or someone else's. It requires us to enter a vulnerable place inside ourselves either by connecting to our own experiences, having to feel someone else's pain with them, or having to forgo the sense of value we get in fixing someone else's problems. Likely, we like to fix other people’s problems because we are less likely to be rejected if we can bring a solution to the table. Most of us struggle with believing that “ourselves” is enough, we are certain if we just just show up without valuable solutions, tasks, or a casserole we will be rejected for sure. Solutions, tasks, and casseroles, are needed sometimes, but you are needed more. 

What are healthy boundaries in friendship?

Not all of our friends are able to give us unlimited access, that is really only for our closest other. If you find yourself hurt by limitations that friends may put on you that is likely a wound or “view of self” you should practice curiosity about… at your next coffee date, with your friend, that you scheduled 2 weeks out, out of respect for your friends schedule (insert a little humor there). Or maybe a friend that is hard to get time with is not the right fit for what you are needing or looking for. That is okay, it likely doesn’t mean anything about you personally, sometimes we have to be a friend and respect another’s capacity. 

What we share is up to us, we get to pick the who, the when, and the how much. Sharing with your friends should be received like a gift. We are responsible for stewarding our emotions, vulnerability, and connection with others. That stewarding may mean, sharing with only certain people, or waiting. Just be conscious of your motivations behind this, good reasons may be holding it back because it may be triggering for a specific friend. A bad reason may be that it is a choice that isn’t good for you and you don’t want to face opposition. 

Have fun with your friends!

Connection leads to joy. The more we experience healthy connection the more comfortable we feel with ourselves the more we are able to enjoy our lives. Beautiful friendships are made up of both connection over hard things, celebration over the things we love, and fun.