Regenerating a Relationship

People often wonder if there is a "point of no return" for relationships. The honest answer is likely yes. We all have different capacities and histories that impact our ability to make a comeback from relational hurts. That being said, relationships that feel dead can have life again. As human beings we are wired to respond to emotional provocation and we are wired to keep others close. It is important to remember that relationships that feel lifeless got that way over time and it will take time to rebuild. Allowing each other the time and space to heal is critical to putting pieces back together, but it most certainly can be done. So what does healing look like?

It begins with understanding how you got there. Understanding the cycles of disconnection that progressed in your relationship over time. How you and your spouse protected yourselves and how that contributed to the distance and conflict between you. That sounds simple but it is hard work! It’s holding both that you were hurt but also that your spouse was hurt. And then allowing yourself to hold that it maybe wasn’t all your spouses fault or not all your fault. 

Then the work of self comes. The part where we grapple with who we are and the fear that surrounds the way we view ourselves. This is the part of self we have been protecting all these years. Our vulnerability and pain is usually linked to past relational trauma that can go back even further than the relationship. Taking the risk to share these parts of self with your partner is where bonding begins. This work evokes emotional responses that begin transforming the way we view ourselves and our partner.

The last part is addressing any injuries in the relationship, any betrayals or significant moments that partners felt abandoned or unwanted by each other. This is work of repair for a couple that has learned to engage and care about each other's needs. It leaves no areas for unresolved hurt or fear in the relationship.

Couples who are willing to put the work in can repair the most lifeless of relationships. I often remind clients that restoring a relationship is hard work but divorce is also hard and painful and can have years of repercussions to deal with. Giving therapy a try is worth the risk.