What Should You Do when Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Come to Therapy

Being in a marriage that is in distress and one of the partners does not want to go to counseling is really hard and painful. The spouse that wants to go to counseling will likely feel even more like they are unimportant to their partner, causing even more distress. It can be lonely and very overwhelming, and often feel very hopeless.  

We highly encourage spouses who cannot get their partner to come to counseling to do individual therapy. By doing their own therapy, this person can get attunement and care for how painful their experience of the marriage is. The feeling of being alone while in distress can lead to depression and anxiety, therapy will help this person feel like they aren’t alone and give them emotional resources to feel calm and connected. During therapy, the therapist will help them organize their own experience of the marriage which will provide them with clarity and confidence and be less overwhelmed. Anytime we take time to process and organize our experience we have more capacity to make decisions and cope in a healthy way with what is happening around us. Most importantly, we gain a sense of security even when everything around us feels chaotic or unpredictable. 

Individual therapy may improve your relationship in some ways, it likely will not fix the marriage. You should know that going to it, the goal of individual therapy would be to take care of you as an individual, resource you emotionally, and help you to feel calmer. People often wonder if the marriage is going to fail if one partner will not go to therapy. I don’t know if it will fail, that is up to the individuals themselves. They will certainly not experience the closeness partners long for or serve the beautiful intention of marriage as an anchor or safe haven. We, at Vitality Counseling, love that marriage has the capacity to serve this purpose for people. We are committed to taking good care of couples providing them with a safe and supportive space to grow their relationship into a bond they can count on.