Chronic Patterns in Relationships

Observing patterns in your relationship is a great way to take the temperature of your relationship and decide if and what kind of relational intervention you might need. A pattern can highlight a part of your relationship when you and your partner are lacking connection and are likely misattuned. Let’s talk about some patterns you might notice in your relationship, and what they might mean.

A really familiar pattern for couples is when couples notice they feel stuck in a pattern. They keep trying to connect and are trying to do all the relational things but they always end up in the same place whether that be conflict or just feeling distant. If your relationship doesn’t feel stuck it might feel rigid. In rigid relationships, couples are bound by obligations and expectations in order to keep the relationship going. The relationship might be checking all the “relational boxes” but there is still a lack of closeness. The worst is feeling helpless or hopeless in your relationship. These couples long deeply for close connection but feel like they will never get there and it is painful and hard. The last pattern is couples that go through cycles of wanting to find a way out of the relationship, that are maybe flip-flopped with cycles of feeling good in a relationship. This pattern can be misleading, causing couples to believe there is closeness until there is strain on the relationship, then everything falls apart. In all of these patterns it would be helpful for the couple to take a deeper look at what is motivating the patterns.  

The longer an unidentified pattern goes on the more disconnection it can cause. If you notice a pattern in your relationship it would be good to talk about it with your partner and try to understand what is happening internally for both of you that may be contributing to the pattern. In therapy understanding patterns cycles is a key factor in the work, followed by some beautiful repair that changes old patterns.