Predictors of Relationship Breakdown

There are two major predictors of relationship breakdown. These are relationships that are in high conflict and relationships where partners avoid each other or co-exist. Both are deadly. You might be surprised to find out which one is more deadly, we will talk about that later on. 

Let’s talk about high conflict relationships first. In therapy, we refer to conflict as cycling. This term catches not only the content that is being fought over but the underlying feelings and relationship adaptations that are happening beneath the surface. Relationships that cycle frequently with high conflict typically leave partners hurting or “emotionally bleeding.” The impact of this is detrimental to the relationship, the partners as individuals, and bleeds out to cause havoc in all parts of their lives. The longer it goes on the harder these cycles are to get out of and rebuilding trust becomes an uphill battle. If you notice this kind of breakdown in your relationship do not wait to get help. In fact, it’s the best time to get help. The impact of cycling with unrepaired high conflict in a relationship results in a breakdown that is even harder to repair, lack of engagement. 

Couples who come into my office and they describe their relationship as being like roommates or they avoid engaging with each other most of the time are an immediate red flag. There is a concern that this couple has given up the fight. Interactions have become so scary or difficult they avoid each other and co-exist. The pain of the relationship has become too much for each of the partners. The pain that comes from engaging is more intense than the pain of being alone. Even just writing that causes me to get goosebumps, it’s a difficult place for couples to be. Even though this is a difficult spot for couples, there can be repair if both individuals want to do the work and can take the risk to try again. Relationships that overcome deep hardship can experience deep closeness in the work of repairing the relationship. 

Whichever breakdown you might notice in your relationship, counseling is going to be a helpful step. A therapist that understands the importance of healthy relationships, knows how to help you understand yourself and your partner, and can teach you how to both take emotional risks and respond to your partner's emotional needs is necessary. Simply learning communication skills or tools does not address what is actually happening in the relationship, or facilitating repair that is deeply needed.