How to Use Secure Statements to Build Safety
When thinking about communication that promotes safety in a relationship, the nervous system of both yourself and the person is an important thing to think about. The job of the nervous system is to detect whether we are physically and EMOTIONALLY safe in the world. In conjunction with the brain, it picks up cues from your environment and then through physical sensation and the release of neurotransmitters it helps you decide how you should respond to the environment.
What are these cues?? In relation to emotional safety, it’s responding to the look on another person’s face, the tone in their voice, the way they walk, anything that helps you decide the intent of the other person. All of this is even more important than the actual words a person is saying. However, words matter too, is there blame, accusations, aggressive language? This also helps the nervous system decide how safe we are. Now that we have this important biological information let’s talk about promoting and building safety in the way we talk to people.
Start with evaluating what your overall intention is: intimidation or connection, invitation or protection. Make sure your body language and tone matches this. If you notice they don’t match, evaluate why.
Evaluate the other person. What is their body language saying? Are they hesitant, closed, or protected? This is important and should factor in to how you approach them. If you sense they might be these things make sure your body language and tone is even more inviting and caring. Sometimes it can even be helpful to point out what you are sensing. Let them know you sense their guardedness and want them to know you are not intending to cause them pain or harm. It shows acknowledgement and acceptance of the other person.
Think about what you are saying. Own your own feelings and be careful not to blame or accuse. VALIDATE! VALIDATE! VALIDATE! The beautiful thing about validation is that you do not have to agree with someone to validate their feelings. We all long to receive the feeling that we are seen and heard even if we are disagreed with.
If you know you are going into a conversation with someone that you anticipate to be difficult. think about what you are wanting to say and notice how your own nervous system feels when you make some of the statements you intend to make in your head. Healthy, hard conversations are worth it and we should all look for ways to create safety for one another.
