How to Confront a Lying Spouse

If you think that your spouse might be lying to you, this can be very upsetting. Being able to trust a spouse is important to the foundation and health of a relationship. Why? Because of our need for security, the need to know that we can count on those closest to us. Dishonesty is the biggest intrusion to our sense of security. That being said, when we feel we are being lied to, our anxiety is likely to go through the roof. Which can make it hard to stay organized and grounded in ourselves, and what we know to be true. 

Step #1 Recognize how scary or hard it might be for you that your spouse might be lying to you. Notice the fear, sense of being overwhelmed, sadness, hurt, or disappointment (or any combination of those) and give it words. Make meaning out of your feelings about the situation and give it language. 

Confrontation is important if you think there is dishonesty in the relationship. If you just choose to let it slide you may be able to make it look like you are okay on the outside but on the inside a storm of insecurity will begin to brew and it will begin to color all the interactions you have with your spouse. You might notice yourself becoming more irritable or withdrawn from your partner and your partner begins to notice this, it will begin to impact the way they interact with you and the storm of insecurity will grow in strength.

Step #2 Do not avoid confronting your spouse about your concerns. It is also better to go straight to your spouse, do not try to get information from other sources such as friends, co-workers, family members, and most importantly not your children. 

Be honest. At this point more dishonesty is just going to worsen the state of your relationship. Honesty may feel vulnerable at this point, you might even tell yourself that your spouse does not deserve your vulnerability and honesty. But if repair in the relationship is important, then this is the route to go.

Step #3 Be honest about the information that is leading you to believe they are lying, share about what the information is causing you to believe, and share how it makes you feel (which you are well connected to because of step 1).

Go into the conversation allowing for the option that your partner may have a reasonable explanation for the information you have or even an actual lie. Things are not always as they appear. Your spouse might be lying and it might be a serious injury to the relationship that needs to be addressed, but also it might not be. You won’t know until you have the conversation. 

Step #4 Allow yourself the option that your partner may have a reasonable explanation. Until you have given your spouse the opportunity to explain, accusing them will not be helpful. So approaching the conversation without using accusatory or blaming language is key.