How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Think about boundaries with people like you would your own yard in a neighborhood. You are responsible for the care of your yard. Taking care of your yard is your primary responsibility and serves the community of your neighborhood as a whole. 

It shows respect and honor of the community when your neighbors can count on you to take responsibility for your own yard. 

This doesn't mean that you can't ask for help from your neighbors or they can't ask you for help. However, since your own yard is your primary responsibility it is easy for you to define what you can and cannot do for someone else. In the same way, because you understand your yard is your responsibility and not someone else's, you will not become upset if they cannot meet all of your needs. When we have neighbors who don't seem to understand that our yard is our primary responsibility and that their yard is their primary responsibility. Then we have to define the boundary.

Apply the "yard" example to your own life. What is your primary responsibility?

 For most people it would be their family, job, home, and other commitments. You know what you need mentally and physically to show up in these places in the way you need too. These are your responsibilities. 

 How do you know if your boundary has been crossed? 

Anger is a good indicator that your boundary has been crossed. The key to healthy anger is making sure it is processed and you understand it before reacting from it. (We can help you with this!)

What do you do with it? 

Processing what the anger is about will help you decide how to react. There may be parts of it that are yours to own. For instance, feelings of being uncared for, that are actually not related to the situation. Once you have addressed your own stuff, you can make clear, compassionate, practical decisions about how to let others know what your limits are and how they can respect them and also what you can do for them or allow from them. 

What about people who don't respect my "yard" or understand their responsibility to their own yard? 

Sometimes there are people who don't understand healthy boundaries and how good they are for relationships. In these cases it is good to have a healthy person to help you process how that feels for you and support you in handling the situations with this person. If you don't have a person who can help and support you in this way, this something a therapist can help with.

Extra Note: this information is for relationships outside of marriage. In marriage, you share a yard so this looks different. If you find yourself needing to set limits in a marriage it might be a good idea to bring in a therapist to help the relationship.